Friday, October 12, 2012

embracing a rough patch

As of late I feel like I have been totally failing at my mommy duties.   My four year old has been giving me a run for my money.  Really she has been giving me a run for my money since we told her she was going to be a big sister.  Its pretty exasperating, I mean no matter what I do, she just dose'nt listen.  Ever.  To anything you say, and when you correct her, when you sit her in time out, and then attempted to explain to her what she did wrong to be put in time out in the first place, she wont even make eye contact with you.  I don't want to say every day is hard but most days are.  Going out is the biggest problem I face.  The hubs having to work so much, I mostly run errands on my own, and those times are the hardest.  My daughter is four, and you cant trust her to walk in a store, or anywhere really.  She runs away from you, wont hold your hand picks things up and at times has broken things.  I yell, I take things away, put her in time out, and sometimes I cry.  I knew being a mom wouldn't be easy but, I had no idea how hard it would really be.  I feel as though I'm at a breaking point, she is aggressive with her sister, and she says pretty outrageous things, as of late I feel this horrible unease, and I cant help but wonder what did I do wrong?  What made her so unhappy, that she acts out consistently.

When she was younger she was so sweet.  A wonderful baby, rarely ever cried or got in trouble.  A true joy to be with, always with a smile and lots of hugs and kisses.  I think what happened to my little happy girl?  what have I done wrong?  I know she is stubborn and once she has it in her mind she wants something that is the end of that, but what do I do?  My mother in law always says she is my husband incarnate, that he was the exact same way, and in my mind I am thinking "how did you survive?" because there are days when I feel like I may not.  The days where I worry Alexia didn't get the attention she needed because Kylie was just having meltdown after meltdown, and I was powerless to stop it.  I know that in the blogging world I never see many posts about the trouble we experience as parents, most of the posts are happy, and project this perfect little family mentality and I wish it was perfect but we all know better right?  perfection is an illusion, a fairytale, its just not real.  But I just cant help but worry that Im doing it all wrong.  Making mistakes everywhere especially those days where I feel lost and feel as though Im going about things wrongly, Like she is getting the wrong idea.  I yell so much more than I would like or ever thought I would.  I just want things to be fun for awhile.  I don't want her childhood memories consisting of sitting in timeout or being yelled at by this person, or this person.  I miss those easy days with her that seam so far away. 

I cant say its all bad, she really is charming and charismatic, she lights up the room when she wants to and can mesmerize you with her bright blue eyes, and enormous smile, her contagious laughter and spirit.  But good grace is she hard.  The hardest and most joyful experience so far.  I'm hoping things get better.  I'm hoping God gives me more patience and more understanding. Mostly because those days where I feel like Im loosing my mind or going to cry seam to be happening more than not.  Im wishing for the light at the end of the tunnel because I love my girls more than I love anything or anyone on this world.  I want them to have the best childhood they can possibly have because they deserve it.  

At the end of the day I miss them while they are sleeping no matter how hard it was, I long to hear the house filled with noise once it is gone.  I wake up each day telling myself I will be better.  Deep down inside I admire her carelessness of what others think, and strong will, her free spirit.  I know they will serve her well later in life.  I know I am raising a strong, free thinking little girl.  I do not want to destroy that, I don't want her to associate free thinking with getting in trouble.  I just need to hone her energy on to more productive things.  To try and get her to calm down, even when things aren't going her way.  The importance of been happy, and loving.  I know how good her heart is, I know deep down inside that one day all of this will be a memory, and I will long to be in that moment.  So for know I just tell me self to hold fast, to remember that even when it seams its spinning out of control its up to me to make it better.  To be the best I can be so my girls have the best example.  To embrace more patience and learn to just move on and deal.  To make sure I hold my girls tight, and ensure I raise strong intelligent women.  Here's to being better, and embracing the constant chaos which resides in my home and my heart. 



  1. Love this! I have a sweet, blue-eyed, soon-to-be big sibling, spitfire as well and some days are really trying.

  2. Thanks! I know its always a toss up right? Spitfires sure do give you a run for your money especially the blue eyed ones. :)

  3. I feel this way all the time! Dom, my 4 year old, does the exact same things! And I hate to be that mom that is always yelling, but that's all I seem to be doing lately. :( Chin up, mama, we'll get through this!!!

    1. Thanks girl, I know its so hard to be constantly yelling lol. Four year olds are no joke! :)


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