Family Of Five Debate

So Im going to rant a little.  I apologize in adavanced. 

When my husband and I were just dating, we never discussed family size, or getting married even.  We knew we wanted to be together for ever but in those early years, we were just focused on the here and now, and of course each other.  Upon the birth of Kylie, my husband instantly wanted more.  Now Kylie was a surprise, and I was still getting used to the hang of being a Momma, so I brushed him off, and decided we would discuss it at a later date.  Actually to quote myself, I was pretty sure I didn't want anymore. 

Then after we were married, and we went through a loss in the family, my beloved grandmother, I had a change of heart.  Your probably wondering how loosing some one you loved so much correlates to having a second child, well for me, as I cried and mourned, experiencing the first real loss I have ever experienced before, I felt a great sense of togetherness.  One those first few hard days, my siblings and myself stuck close, and even closer to each other as we went through the motions of putting her to rest.  We relied on each other for comfort, and support.  My brothers, my sister-in-law, who if Im honest with my self is more than just a sister-in-law, shes my real sister, were there for me, and I realized what a gift my parents had given us.  They had given us each other.  In all other aspects of life, and all the things that could happen or go wrong, and in happy joyous times, we all have each other.  I have a sister because I have a brother, I have brothers thanks to my parents, and in exchange I have the best gift one could have.  A family.  Which got me thinking, I wanted to create that for my daughter.  A sibling, some one to have when we can no longer be there.  Some one to wonder through life with, from an early age on.  So we decided, and we did, have a second child.  

And its been wonderful, really it has, struggles aside, watching them grow together and love one another, already forming bonds I know will last a life time, was more than worth everything I had to endure to get there.  Now my girls have each other as well as us. 

Now to the point, not long after Alexia's birth, my husband declared he wanted another,  he wanted one more child.  Since the moment he has said that I have been unsure.  My pregnancies are hard, and high risk.  My doctor strongly cautioned me, after Alexia's birth, to really think about having more, and if in fact we did want more, to make sure I do so before turning 30.  Well I'm 25 now and the  truth is, having babies isn't as easy for my body, and I'm not sure I want to go through all that again.  Not when I'm already blessed enough to have two girls.  But the older Alexia gets, the closer her second birthday comes, the more I think I may like to have another.  I think, "Am I positive my days of having little's is really over?"  Some days I think yes, they are, and some days I think, no I want one more, one more bundle of joy to call our own.  Leaving me feeling confused, and unsure.  Leaning more towards the idea of no more, than one more.  

Strangely the idea of being a family of five instead of four, is something the hubs and I discuss on a pretty regular basis.  I'm not sure the out come yet, but I figure I got at least three more years to think on it.   Its hard to know really, and if I listened to my family, to my brother, to my father, I definatly wouldnt.  Alexia's entrance into this world was enough to scare the crap out of them, my father even tried to make me promise to have no more.  So if were casually talking about it, in that I mean talking to my momma about it, and he should over hear he sorta freaks out.  But all that aside its up to us, my husband and my self, and as of right now, no, but the future who the heck knows.  Maybe one day we will be a family of five, or maybe not.  

But no matter what happens, I'm happy to have these to ladies.